Saturday Morning

Outside the world was dreary, but vibrant with life.  Inside there was nothing but silence and the rolling screensaver from Netflix, another night of binge sleeping through all the episodes of Grace & Frankie.  I stumble, groggily, to the kitchen for coffee mulling over the disastrous and gross state of the floor.  Imagining the horror of tiles breaking as I rolled the refrigerator across them to position it back in its alcove on the opposite wall. Grout and sealant will be purchased this month, I thought, as the Keurig whined about making me a coffee.  If anyone could see my face right now, they’d think I was angry, when in fact I’m just trying to wake up.  I sat down and grabbed my laptop, thoughts swirling in my head like a storm that I must navigate.  The irritating sound of the windows rattling as the train passed by mingled with the tune to Sade’s ‘Soldier of Love’ as I thought about the events of the day.  Finally getting to have lunch with Glenn and William after nearly a month.  Glenn was finally getting the cabinet out of the front room.  It’s all starting to come together in there and will be “done” once I make a few more trips to IKEA for the shelving I want and once I decide whether to keep the rest of my World of Darkness books.  I say “done” as I still haven’t found the kind of video game decor for the room that pleases me that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.  Where’s my damn coffee?  As I sip, I think about the year ahead.  Still filled with an amazing amount of dread over my future trips to Philadelphia to see Matty.  I can’t let what Jeffery said to me at the end ruin this beautiful and amazing city for me anymore.  There is still so much more to see and do and experience.  Fuck him, he’s dead anyway.  Chalk that one up to the mistakes pile along with Stuart and Chris and the innumerable list of things I wish I had and hadn’t said to the innumerable list of people I wish I had and hadn’t said those things to.

How many times have I listened to this damn song? Ugh…I’m a soldier of love, but I need something with a beat. Ah, here we go, some Slayer should do.

Opening my email anymore fills me with vomity horror as it’s never anything anymore but the shitty things that the Trump administration is doing.  Sign these 500 petitions to help save the world.  Yeah, right.  My emails anymore are nothing but an exhaustive list of shipments from either eBay, Amazon or Gaming Relics, or creepy emails from Target telling me “that thing you looked at is on sale, buy it”.  Stop being a creep Target.

Time for more coffee!  I’ve picked up the cup twice now and realized I drank it all.

Bloodborne.  It’s been 2 years since I beat the game with that gangly British twat’s help then subsequently abandoned once he got the platinum trophy.  This time around, I’ll get the damn platinum since my brothers in arms are playing it with me.  This will be the second game this year that I came close to getting the platinum in the past only to have victory jerked out from underneath me.  Infamous and the trophy glitch and then Bloodborne and someone else’s selfishness.  I can’t even listen to his music now without getting angry since he unfriended me a few weeks ago.  It’s whatever though.  Had anything ever come of it, it would have just been more amazing sex with a crazy person and we all know how that ends.

Looking at my release calendar, I need to do more writing.  Seriously.  I have so much to say and only so much time to say it.

There’s a lot to look forward to though.  E3 this year is going to be amazing.  There’s already been a few things announced that I’m interested in seeing more of (Smash Bros for the Switch? Yes please!) and other things that have been mentioned or shown in the past that I hope make an appearance this year.  E3 is almost like the carrot on the stick to help me and Matty get through the shitty opening to this year. It’s not been good for either of us, but I argue that it’s been a lot worse for him than for me.  10 hour work days along with winter storms that have knocked out power.  Just wanna give him a hug and remind him I love him and I’m here for him, always.  The other big event this year is the meetup in Atlantic City.  I’m still super nervous and full of dread about going to that too, but I’m sure it will be a good time.  Both events are definitely keeping me motivated to get up and keep on living.

Now that I’m fully awake and energized, there’s a lot to do and I have no motivation to do any of it.  Let’s do it anyway.


Destiny 2

Destiny, part 16

It’s been a little over 3 weeks since the gameplay reveal of Destiny 2, and I figured it was time to put in my 2 cents on what we’ve seen so far.

I am freaking excited to play this game!

It was a little soul crushing to see the Tower in ruins, my home for the last 3 years, gone.  It was exciting to see the Vanguard in action;  Ikora blasting the Cabal ship with her Nova Bomb, Cayde firing the Golden Gun and Zavala using his Ward of Dawn to try to save everyone in the Vanguard room when the Cabal attack.

I’m excited to see what is (or was) in the north part of the Tower when I get my hands on the game and to explore what’s left of the Tower before we leave it behind.

Definitely going to main one of these guys first!

I’m also excited to play the new classes and learn how their abilities work and interact with each other.  I’m a little bummed that Warlocks can’t self resurrect anymore, but I’ll trade it for being able to rain swords of fire from the air.  It’s definitely going to make things interesting trying to raid without the usual linchpins of self rezzing Warlocks, bubble Titans and tether Hunters.

I also can’t wait to explore the new planets and zones.  I’m happy that public events will have on screen timers now instead of having to rely on 3rd party apps that may or may not be accurate.  I’m looking forward to exploring the places and seeing what I can find.

Like this lovely place for example.

I’m happy that the director got a face lift and looks pretty snazzy now.


And I’m so happy that we don’t have to go to orbit anymore to go to a new location.  We can just pick a new place and BAM! off we go.

A new raid, new strikes, new locations, new classes.  I can’t wait for September to get here.

In spite of all the negativity floating around the internet about the game, I can’t wait.  All the haters and trolls can suck it.  If they don’t like what they see then they can play something else (like the next Call of Dudebro)

I can’t wait to play one of these guys either!

Relationships, part 12


I’m going to go on. I’m going to go on living to spite you. To spite myself. I’ll never forget what we had. How could I? You have me several firsts. Several intimate moments. Special dirty things that we used to do together. Sorry our ending was what it was, but I feel that’s what you wanted. I will go on living, go on loving, I will go on this journey alone if that’s what I must do, but I will go on regardless. I will go on regardless of the fact that part of me is missing, that I am damaged. Hopefully my next love can see past that and help me put the pieces back together, the way I tried to help you.

Life and Death, part 4

It’s getting close to my bed time (I hate getting up early) but felt the need to write a little before I went to sleep.  I guess laying here watching my new hour glass has inspired me somehow.  I’ve always enjoyed watching them empty for some reason.

I’m getting up early in the morning because of work.  It’s the last week of doing freezer trucks for the year, finally.  Hopefully, if Scott really isn’t coming back I’ll be able to bid on his job and get the hell off doing vacation relief.  I hate it.  At least this dreadful summer is nearly over with.  The light at the end of this long, horrendous tunnel is drawing nearer.

I’m hoping that once things at work cool down I’ll be able to get back to working out at home again.  I think Marshal has figured out that I haven’t been working out because of work.  I’ve mostly given up on eating healthy due to lack of free time from work and the cost of eating healthy is ridiculous.  I haven’t been working out because I’m just so tired when I get home.  I don’t want to do anything but shower and drink a bucket of water.  I need to quit being so damn lazy and get to it or I’ll never get to where I want to be physically.  I bought a new Fitbit to monitor my heart rate and steps and a couple journals with inspirational quotes written on the fronts so I can write down my workouts (if that’s what it’s going to take).  I want this as bad as I want a gamer husband.

Part of why I’ve been lazy the last coupe of months is because Destiny Year Two is coming to an end soon and we’ve been hard at work trying to complete all the Year Two Moments of Triumph and so I’ve been focused on that at the expense of all else.  I personally am only after the Calcified Fragments and a King’s Fall Hard Mode clear.  I don’t care about the Crucible moment from the list as I royally suck at Crucible so I’m skipping that one.  Part of why we’re suddenly so keen to get this done is a certain someone on my PSN friends list named Dan who was all about trying to get all these moments complete as quickly as possible, even going so far as to try to get raids done with a pick up group.  I tried to participate in one of these groups with him, but the players were just so bad that I had to leave before I said something shitty to the others.  I guess my leaving hurt his feelings or whatever, because he hasn’t spoken to me or invited me to play since.  I noticed that he’s got his King’s Fall Hard Mode done by looking at his trophies.  Hmph.  Good for him.  I did warn the others about him since he’s been on my friends list for a long time and not once talked to me or played Destiny with me until this Moments of Triumph business popped up.  Definitely motivates me to do a purge of my PSN friends list.

Speaking of gamer husbands, the other night in a very uncomfortable chat on PSN, Gerry revealed that he is 5’4″ and ever since then I’ve thought about how nice it would be to cuddle such a little guy.  It would be amazing to spoon with him, hold him close while we watch movies or TV.  I just wish I knew whether he liked me as much as I like him.  I guess if he doesn’t want me and Marshal doesn’t want me…I don’t know what to do from there.  What would be the point of going on from there?  Purely just for me?  Pfft.  I just don’t see why I would want to bother trying hard just to end up alone.

I’ve been sorting through all my Magic: the Gathering stuff and am finally beginning to post it to eBay.  Since no one comes over to play anymore, I don’t see any point in keeping the majority of them.  I’m going to keep a few decks to scratch the itch if I ever have it again, but for the most part I’m done.  I’m not going to bother buying anymore cards.  I’ve also decided that since no one comes over anymore that I’m going to sell off the kitchen table and all the chairs except the matching pair of parsons chairs.  Again, no one comes over here to hang out anymore so there’s no point in keeping it.  Now that William and Dominique live in Hickory, the only one that ever comes over here is Glenn.  These guys definitely know how to make a guy feel wanted, but my thoughts on that are best saved for another post.

Speaking of making a guy feel like shit, I had a really horrible day at work Wednesday, and it inspired me to think about selling off more of the things I have that I don’t need or want anymore just so there’s that much less to deal with should I finally find a way to escape this shitty two bit town.  I’m already looking to sell my cards and the kitchen table and chairs, next I’m thinking about posting my light sabers and a few other things to see if anyone is interested.  I felt like crap when I got home that morning but it was made all better when we managed to clear another King’s Fall raid, this time in the span of about 3 hours AND we managed to get the Warpriest Challenge Calcified Fragment!  That just leaves the Golgoroth Challenge and I’ll have all 50 fragments.  Woot!  I know I’m definitely ready to face a new enemy beyond the Taken.

Eyes are getting heavy, so I think it’s time to curl up with my pillow and dream of the time that I’ll instead be curled up with Gerry bear.

Life and Death, part 2

The last couple of months have been rough to say the least.  I’ve been working almost every single day because of god damn bun season at work.  I thought once the 4th of July was over things would slow down at work.  Nope.  The following week we had to work on an off day so I decided I’d had enough and wrote a rather bitchy letter and left it in the suggestion box at work.  Honestly I don’t care if anyone got upset by it or not, I’m tired of doing nothing beyond merely existing at this point.  I think the plant manager either found the letter and read it or if she didn’t it was quite the coincidence considering the context of the conversation we had a few minutes after I left the letter in the box.  I think I got my point across though since everyone’s schedule was changed the following week to give them 3 days off a week.  So there’s that.  At least I don’t have to deal with the bun line for the next 2 weeks.

I dunno, I guess I’m just supposed to act like things aren’t fucking killing me.  Anymore I hate my life and I hate waking up day to day to be forced to live it.  All this blasted overtime has had me thinking more about up and leaving or just killing myself more than at any other time in my life.  I’m so tired of keeping these walls up and keeping people out.  I mean, what’s the point of this day to day rat race?  I don’t have anyone special in my life to share any of it with and my online friends can only provide so much comfort.  And my real life friends all mostly keep to themselves anymore.  No one ever visits me except William and Glenn and that’s only if I’m not wasting my free time at work.  This has led me to think about getting rid of the kitchen table and the chairs that Whitney took the time to try to find.  What’s the point of keeping it?  I never eat in the kitchen anyway and the few times that I do it’s pretty lonely sitting there alone.  At least if I get rid of all that shit the floor will be clear for whoever decides to fix it.  I’ve also thought about putting in storage but, I dunno, might just be easier to just get rid of it.

While we’re on the subject of fixing houses…so mine’s been in need of repairs for (according to Whitney) 3 years.  I’ve had a broken window pane since 2008, my kitchen floor is sinking in and now my bathroom and front room floors are in need of repairs as well.  But, William and Dominique get their first house and what do mom and dad do?  Go work on it immediately.  Wow, nice.  Thanks so called family for making me feel like a valuable and loved member.  It’s very telling about where I stand on your list of priorities when you do something like that, especially since I’m paying you to live here and they aren’t.  But, whatever.  I guess at this point in my life I’m so used to being treated like shit by others that supposedly care about me is why it didn’t really faze me that you did that at first.  But the more I think about it the angrier I get.  I guess if Matt’s brother isn’t able to help in any way then I’m just going to give up and wait for the house to cave in on itself since it’s apparent that no one is going to do anything about it.  Treated like a second class citizen no matter what, eh?

Marshal flew to the UK on Wednesday (7/20).  He’ll be there for 3 weeks seeing his possible future husband (or whatever they want to call it).  Talk about just letting stuff kill you.  I am mentally preparing myself for the idea that when he gets back I won’t be anything to him at all.  Sometimes I just think I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him on any level.  I should’ve just left things alone.  But I’m a sucker for a pretty face.  I guess what I wrote about him in my LiveJournal was right.  He’s been more affectionate lately than he was before I confronted him about the post in Bears and Video Games.  He’s been telling me that he loves me and wants to be my best friend and I’ve been responding in kind, though I think when I tell him I love him I mean it more than he does but I can’t tell.  I’m not a mind reader.  All I know is this whole thing with him is going to kill me or destroy me completely.  He messaged me a few pics this morning and all I told him was that they looked amazing and I was going to bed.  Maybe I should just learn to be lonely.

And speaking of loneliness, Jason hasn’t been in the best of health lately.  They finally got moved into the new place, but during the move he had another gout flare up and wasn’t able to help.  A day or so after, he messaged me a picture of the jug he’d been using to pee in and his pee was BLACK.  When I asked him how long it had been like that he said a day or so, and then I asked if he was going to go to the doctor or hospital.  He went and turns out he had a UTI and severe dehydration.  I don’t know how long he’s going to last.  His health has been in decline for years and has begun to get worse since Ivey died.  When I try to think of life without him, all I can feel is emptiness? nothingness? I can’t picture it at all.  I just shut down.  I don’t feel anything at all.  I’m trying to (again) mentally prepare myself for the reality that he might die young like Candice and Ivey.  I just don’t know what I’ll do or how I will continue from that.  It will be like the breaking of the world, the end of everything.

Which brings me to why I chose the Dollhouse logo for the cover of this post.  I’ve been re-watching the show lately.  I still think it’s criminally underrated, but then again I’ve loved everything Joss Whedon has done (even if I don’t love all his actors).  I envy the people inside the Dollhouse, being able to wipe away everything and just be…nothing.  A blank slate.  Tabula rasa.  If only there was a way.  I think I’d like to start over with new memories and definitely forget some of the things I’ve had to endure in my life.

Relationships, part 10


After taking some advice from a gaming friend in New Zealand, I finally worked up the nerve to ask Potential #2 exactly where we stand.  His response was ‘bear buddies’ so I further clarified by asking ‘so we’re just friends?’ and he said ‘yeah’.  I kinda knew that’s where it was heading all along, but finally getting the answer I was looking for didn’t sting any less.  After reading his response, I grimaced and continued my walk of shame back to my work station.  I’m definitely going to give the box of Chai tea he left here to someone just to get it out of my house.

I don’t really know what to think or feel right now.  It’s been a shitty week all the way around, and this was just one of the many layers of the shit cake.  I worked a grand total of 65 hours, working 10 or 11 hours just about every day.  Had a falling out with another gaming friend from the UK over Bloodborne and we haven’t spoken since last Saturday.  And now this.

I suppose there are a few good things about it though.  I don’t have to worry anymore about trying to please him or make him happy.  Or impress him.  And at least he didn’t do me like Jeffery and wait until 2 years later to say something, so there’s that too.  This is probably the part where he and I just go our separate ways and honestly, I think that’s the thing that bugs me the most about it all.  Used for what he wanted and then tossed aside, just like all the others.  At least, that’s what it feels like even if that’s not what it is or was.

I guess if I’m going to get back into exercising / working out, I’ll have to find someone else to motivate me or try to find motivation within.

Relationships, part 1

So I wake up from my usual Saturday afternoon nap to find a message on Facebook from a boy I really like.  I had sent him one before I went to sleep.  We haven’t talked a lot this week because he’s been super busy with finals and a huge project, and I’ve been going all to hell at work learning how to use some new equipment and having to deal with it when things don’t work as designed.

In my groggy, half awake state I am my usual sweet self in my responses and he is equally as sweet in return.  I put my phone down and melt back into the dark recesses of my mind, thinking about what was said.  I’m happy, ecstatic, filled to the brim with joy.  He’s so sweet and so kind.  Maybe he’s the one?  I dunno.  It scares me a little.  What if I’m not good enough?  I re-read the conversation and smile to myself.  Then the ten ton weight hits me as I become more awake.  “You’re becoming such a dear friend.”  Crap, did I just get friend zoned? I think to myself and I sit up in my recliner.  Thanks self doubt, you really can’t stand to see me be happy about anything, can you?

I sit up and put my slippers on to go to the kitchen and make a coffee.  I gotta wake up and be alert because my Destiny fire team for the evening is coming online soon and the need me to be on point.  I stumble to the kitchen as the opening piano from a song fills my mind and I wait for the machine to finish making me a cup.  I realize I’m hungry and I look around the kitchen and spy the pizza box with leftover pepperoni pizza from lunch.  I make a disgusted face and settle for it since I’m in a hurry to write this all down before the emotions escape me.  Hurriedly, I take the cup, pour some milk in and dash back to my laptop forgetting the pizza entirely.  Grabbing my laptop, I compose my thoughts while songs fill the speakers in my headphones and the ceiling fan cools my coffee.  As I prepare for the evening’s festivities I can’t help but listen to that tiny voice of doubt in the back of my mind.  Hopefully a night with friends, pizza and hunting aliens will help quiet the storm.

All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you