Dear Matty

I’ve been waiting for months for this countdown to reach zero, and here we are.  It’s a little after 9am and you just texted me to tell me you’re at your gate at Philadelphia airport.  I’m sitting in my living room, just dressed, having coffee and writing you this letter.  I’m so unbelievably nervous about meeting you in person for the first time.  You’ve told me again and again not to be, but I can’t help myself.  My heart thunders in my chest and my pulse races at the thought of finally getting to spend some quality time with you that doesn’t require an internet connection and use of PSN.  I’ve barely slept at all because I didn’t want to miss picking you up.  I’m so anxious.

After you went to bed, I baked the chocolate chip muffins and ate two of them.  Had to make sure they were up to snuff before I served them to you hahahaha.  You just checked in on Facebook, I’m so excited!  Alex is on his way to get me and then we’ll be picking you up.  Every time I think about you being here I get excited and smile and laugh.  I can’t believe that this day is finally happening!

Fast forward to the end of the week…

This went by way too fast!  It’s a little after noon on Saturday and I’m sitting here on my couch listening to The Cure and wishing you were still here in my arms.  I still feel like an asshole for making you cry this week; once after telling you about my mother and what happened to her and again when we had the talk about us.

I’m going to miss having your big warm body to snuggle up with at night, holding you close to me and feeling the heat of your breath on my skin.  Hearing the sound of you snoring and watching your lumbering form cast shadows on the dim walls of my bedroom.  I’ll miss all those special dirty things we said to each other in bed.  I’ll miss having morning coffee and muffins with you and snuggling under the cammo comforter on the couch while we play games together.

I’m already counting the minutes until I get to see you again.  I miss my bubby.

Your papa bear,



Year Four, Week Three

Destiny, part 24

I fucking hate this game.  I.  Fucking.  Hate.  This.  Game.  Right now I feel like the most pathetic Destiny 2 player on Earth.  Out of all possible opportunities I’ve had since launch to complete Nightfall, I’ve only managed to get it once.  On top of that, I’ve picked up the notorious Rat King exotic quest, which, at first I thought was going to be as annoying as the Outbreak Prime quest was back in Destiny since you have to complete parts of the quest with other players who also have the gun/quest, but this time everything was fairly easy to do until getting to the final step:  complete Nightfall with 5 minutes left on the clock.  At first I didn’t think this was going to be that difficult, but at the rate we’ve been going I think I’d have better luck learning how to read and write in Madarin Chinese.

We also haven’t made a lick of progress in the Leviathan raid and considering the people that I’m playing with, I doubt that we’ll ever clear it at this rate.  We got as far as the first puzzle/room on Monday and this is going to take a lot of practice and more patience than I think this group has.

I’ll get you next time Gadget!

Also this week, I thought I was having a breakthrough in my absolute hatred of Crucible.  There’s a couple of trophies on the list – Show Me What You Got and Lest Ye Be Judged – that once I learned the truth behind them I had a feeling were going to be trouble.  I was right.  Monday night after the raid group fell apart, I decided to start working on Show Me What You Got which requires you to complete Lord Shaxx’s Call to Arms Milestone for the first time.  I was having a good time and I even managed to accomplish this:

The only reason I didn’t get the trophy that night was because I stopped playing about 5 minutes before weekly reset happened thinking I could just pick it up in a little while and continue from where I stopped (which was at 95%) but much to my horror, as reset occurred, I lost all my progress.  There went about an hour’s worth of work right down the toilet.  Frustrated and defeated, I decided to call it a night and go to bed.  Next day (today) my clan mates said they’d help me out.  Well, that was all well and good until my PS4 decided it was going to be an uncooperative bitch and tell me five times that my Destiny 2 data was corrupted and that I’d have to take the disc out, delete the game and reinstall it.  No fucking way was I going to do that, not while my friends were on.  So I kept taking the disc out and putting it right back in, but my PS4 decided it was just not going to do what I wanted.  I took the advice of a clan mate and rebuilt the PS4 database to see if that would fix the problem (it didn’t) only to watch as alllllllllll the fucking games that were nice and neat and organized into folders were now strewn helter-skelter across my god damn cross media bar in a long, continuous, mockery of ogranization.

Fuck my life.  Fuck it hard.

As everyone decided to call it a night, I pressed on and continued to have a shit day in the Crucible losing match after match but watching that infernal percentage slowly creep it’s way to 100%.  Around the 95% mark, I get the data corruption error again and I decide I’ve had enough at this point.  I remove the disc, disconnect the external drive, took a deep breath and screamed at the top of my lungs (no I didn’t say what’s going on) as I deleted the game and then reinstalled it on the PS4 internal drive.  I sat in silent, miserable contemplation and wondered what it was that I did that was so awful that the universe decided that it was just going to shit in my corn flakes today.  I read an article about ‘messy games’ on Polygon as the 6GB patch re-downloaded to my PS4.  Once it was done, I returned to the misery of the Crucible and I kept going until the bloody Milestone was complete.

I finally got my god damned trophy.

After that was finally over, I called it a night.  I also decided that I still fucking hate Crucible.  Which brings me back to the other trophy I mentioned earlier…

Lest Ye Be Judged is, unfortunately, not about Xur like I had hoped.  It’s about meeting an Emissary of The Nine which you can only do by completing Trials of the Nine (the Destiny 2 replacement for Trials of Osiris) and you can only access Trials of the Nine after you’ve completed Shaxx’s Call to Arms at least once.  Now that that Milestone is done I have access to Trials and I’m going to keep putting myself through hell until I get the trophy for meeting the Emissary then I’m never doing Crucible or Trials again as long as the servers live.

Once that’s over with all I need to do is complete the raid (somehow) and complete a Nightfall on Prestige difficulty (kill me now) and get all the Hunter subclasses and I’ll have the Destiny 2 platinum.  I’m glad I’m taking a break from this fucking game while I’m on vacation next week.

What I’m Listening To, part 10

The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.

Evanescence – Bring Me To Life (Synthesis)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down, into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there, and lead it, back, home

It sits there, in the dark, in the deep dark, all alone.  Then, suddenly, a crack in the darkness.  A beam of light, an ethereal figure emerges, sweeping away the dreary darkness.  Things once again take shape and have meaning.  I am whole again and the world makes sense.  I feel the pulse of life and I feel the warmth of love.

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

I would rather watch my own blood drain from my body than be miserable like I used to be.  I don’t want to be what I once was.  I want to be better, stronger.  I need this feeling to last, to stay.  I need you.

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Please don’t leave me!  Please don’t leave me here to wither away again…

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
Bring me to life
Frozen inside, without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are my life
Among the dead

It’s so cold since you left.  Why did you have to leave me?  Why did you have to go away?  Without you nothing makes sense anymore.  Without you I wonder if I’m even real, or if any of this daily numb ritual is even worth the effort.  You were – and are – the center of my world.

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Don’t let me die here
Bring, me, to, life

Please don’t let me die.

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
Bring me to life
Bring me to life


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Ruminations on Gaming

Guardians: Royal Journey

Back when I wrote my review on the game, I was pretty miserable about it.  After 412 levels, I finally gave up and deleted it off my phone.  It’s was almost as good as slamming the door in the face of someone you hate.

Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

What if the fact that Hellblade starts over from the beginning once you’ve beaten it signifies that there is no escape from the torment that Senua must endure?

Skyforce Anniversary

The iOS version of this game is inferior to the PS4 version in every way.

Destiny 2

It was nice to find that when I started my second (and third) character, he had access to all the Glimmer, Legendary Shards, Bright Dust, shaders and weapon/armor mods immediately.

Year Four, Week Two

Destiny, part 23

I think I’m beginning to either get burned out or overwhelmed or perhaps both.  Every waking moment that I’m not at work (which has been every day since the game released thanks to hurricane Irma) has been spent playing Destiny 2 and learning the game inside and out like I did the first one.  What I’ve learned so far:

Upon Weekly Rest

  1. All the Milestones in your Director reset (Challenges, Raid Completion, Nightfall Completion, Flashpoint Completion.  I suppose Crucible does as well though I’ve avoided doing any Crucible for the time being as I hate PvP)
  2. Eververse has new inventory items (yay for rotating inventory!)
  3. Ikora’s Meditations reset (though you only have to do them once and not once for each character)
  4. Cayde-6 has new treasure maps (these are supposed to coincide with whatever planet is chosen as the Flashpoint for the week, but we shall see if the pattern holds.)
  5. Any Auras you have equipped on your character are removed (currently the only way I know to get one is to do Nightfall on Prestige Difficulty a.k.a. fucking hard mode.)

That’s a lot of shit to do.  Granted that you can complete Cayde’s treasure maps and Ikora’s Meditations with just one character, but then there’s still the laundry list of Milestones left for all three of your characters to do.  Just the thought of having to repeat this week after week already has me tired and rushing to my bed to throw the blanket over my head and shout NO! at the top of my lungs.

Add to this the fact that we still have a new raid – The Leviathan – to learn and complete.  Year Four is shaping up to be a very busy one indeed.  I was afraid of running out of things to do like Year One, but at this time, there’s so much to do it will likely keep me busy until the first expansion is released.

I can already hear my backlog silently judging me.


I’ve been internally debating back and forth over how to tackle this.  I want to continue to help my clan level up (we just reached level 2 tonight!) but I don’t want to have to be stuck with a laundry list every Tuesday.  My debate is this:

  • Constrain my list to 2 characters (Warlock and Titan) and pick and choose what to do each night after work, and still have other games in rotation so as not to hit Destiny burnout.  OR:
  • Keep all 3 characters (Warlock, Titan, Hunter) and only play the Hunter if it’s absolutely necessary once I level it up completely.  OR:
  • Play the Hunter just long enough to get the Trophy for Hunter subclasses then delete it so as not to be tempted to even think about playing it.

It’s pretty likely that I’ll only keep the Hunter long enough to get the trophy then delete it as I was never good at playing then in the first game.  This way, I can keep the amount of shit I have to do to a somewhat minimum.  I’m now only 6 trophies away from the Platinum and one of them really has me perplexed:

Is it Xur?

Who the hell could this Emissary be?  The fact that ZERO percent of the community has me thinking that it’s going to be Xur since the first Friday that he’s supposed to arrive hasn’t happened just yet (he’ll be here in like 2 hours) and if it’s not Xur…then who?

What’s up you big bitch?