Relationships, part 11

I will be 37 in 15 days.  Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about that.  I haven’t really celebrated my birthday with any enthusiasm in years.  I don’t have anyone special to spend it with, so I just feel like it’s any other day.  But I do tend to get away with whatever I want on my birthday, so I suppose that’s a plus.

Marshal and I are still talking.  I up and asked him to take me with him when he leaves after his college year is over.  I was half joking, half serious.  I think it would do me some good to get out of here, either for a break or permanently.  Because of him, I’m still exercising in my off time.  I bought a weight bench and I’ve started making meals for the entire week.  This week’s meals are all chicken and rice with either broccoli or asparagus, plus a side salad.  So far, I’m liking making my meals this way.  When I’m tired from work I can come home and just heat up one of them and I’m done.  I haven’t had any sodas in days and no junk food.  I’m trying real hard to lose weight and get in shape this time, and I’m not going to quit no matter what.  I can still see he and I being partners or husbands or whatever you want to call it.  Maybe he’s good for me and I just don’t know it yet.  Maybe he’s good for me and Gerry is all wrong for me.

Gerry and I haven’t gotten to talk much lately because of work schedules and the fact that I don’t really want to play Neverwinter at the moment.  I have this irrational fear that we’re going to meet (if I can ever get my damn passport application submitted) and he’s just not going to like me as much as I like him or he’s just gonna want to fuck me and be done with me or someone that’s important to him (like friends or family) is not going to like me and then he’s not going to like me.  I really need to stop overthinking the whole thing and just meet him.  Granted, it won’t be the end of civilization if he doesn’t like me or want to be with me, it will just be the end of me.  I really don’t know how I’d feel if he didn’t want me.  I keep having these recurring thoughts/daydreams of meeting him and it just turning into a disaster.  I really would like to marry him, but I’m so afraid