Life and Death, part 4

It’s getting close to my bed time (I hate getting up early) but felt the need to write a little before I went to sleep.  I guess laying here watching my new hour glass has inspired me somehow.  I’ve always enjoyed watching them empty for some reason.

I’m getting up early in the morning because of work.  It’s the last week of doing freezer trucks for the year, finally.  Hopefully, if Scott really isn’t coming back I’ll be able to bid on his job and get the hell off doing vacation relief.  I hate it.  At least this dreadful summer is nearly over with.  The light at the end of this long, horrendous tunnel is drawing nearer.

I’m hoping that once things at work cool down I’ll be able to get back to working out at home again.  I think Marshal has figured out that I haven’t been working out because of work.  I’ve mostly given up on eating healthy due to lack of free time from work and the cost of eating healthy is ridiculous.  I haven’t been working out because I’m just so tired when I get home.  I don’t want to do anything but shower and drink a bucket of water.  I need to quit being so damn lazy and get to it or I’ll never get to where I want to be physically.  I bought a new Fitbit to monitor my heart rate and steps and a couple journals with inspirational quotes written on the fronts so I can write down my workouts (if that’s what it’s going to take).  I want this as bad as I want a gamer husband.

Part of why I’ve been lazy the last coupe of months is because Destiny Year Two is coming to an end soon and we’ve been hard at work trying to complete all the Year Two Moments of Triumph and so I’ve been focused on that at the expense of all else.  I personally am only after the Calcified Fragments and a King’s Fall Hard Mode clear.  I don’t care about the Crucible moment from the list as I royally suck at Crucible so I’m skipping that one.  Part of why we’re suddenly so keen to get this done is a certain someone on my PSN friends list named Dan who was all about trying to get all these moments complete as quickly as possible, even going so far as to try to get raids done with a pick up group.  I tried to participate in one of these groups with him, but the players were just so bad that I had to leave before I said something shitty to the others.  I guess my leaving hurt his feelings or whatever, because he hasn’t spoken to me or invited me to play since.  I noticed that he’s got his King’s Fall Hard Mode done by looking at his trophies.  Hmph.  Good for him.  I did warn the others about him since he’s been on my friends list for a long time and not once talked to me or played Destiny with me until this Moments of Triumph business popped up.  Definitely motivates me to do a purge of my PSN friends list.

Speaking of gamer husbands, the other night in a very uncomfortable chat on PSN, Gerry revealed that he is 5’4″ and ever since then I’ve thought about how nice it would be to cuddle such a little guy.  It would be amazing to spoon with him, hold him close while we watch movies or TV.  I just wish I knew whether he liked me as much as I like him.  I guess if he doesn’t want me and Marshal doesn’t want me…I don’t know what to do from there.  What would be the point of going on from there?  Purely just for me?  Pfft.  I just don’t see why I would want to bother trying hard just to end up alone.

I’ve been sorting through all my Magic: the Gathering stuff and am finally beginning to post it to eBay.  Since no one comes over to play anymore, I don’t see any point in keeping the majority of them.  I’m going to keep a few decks to scratch the itch if I ever have it again, but for the most part I’m done.  I’m not going to bother buying anymore cards.  I’ve also decided that since no one comes over anymore that I’m going to sell off the kitchen table and all the chairs except the matching pair of parsons chairs.  Again, no one comes over here to hang out anymore so there’s no point in keeping it.  Now that William and Dominique live in Hickory, the only one that ever comes over here is Glenn.  These guys definitely know how to make a guy feel wanted, but my thoughts on that are best saved for another post.

Speaking of making a guy feel like shit, I had a really horrible day at work Wednesday, and it inspired me to think about selling off more of the things I have that I don’t need or want anymore just so there’s that much less to deal with should I finally find a way to escape this shitty two bit town.  I’m already looking to sell my cards and the kitchen table and chairs, next I’m thinking about posting my light sabers and a few other things to see if anyone is interested.  I felt like crap when I got home that morning but it was made all better when we managed to clear another King’s Fall raid, this time in the span of about 3 hours AND we managed to get the Warpriest Challenge Calcified Fragment!  That just leaves the Golgoroth Challenge and I’ll have all 50 fragments.  Woot!  I know I’m definitely ready to face a new enemy beyond the Taken.

Eyes are getting heavy, so I think it’s time to curl up with my pillow and dream of the time that I’ll instead be curled up with Gerry bear.

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Long Live The King, part 7

Destiny, part 8

Been a while since I wrote an update about my Destiny adventures.  I’m still stuck trying to get the last 4 trophies before I get the Platinum:  Flawless Raider – Complete a raid without anyone on your fireteam dying, Triple Play – Kill a Hunter, Titan, and Warlock without dying in a PvP match, Excessive Force – Register 25 kills in PvP with heavy weapons, and, Relic Hunter – Assist in capturing 20 capture points in Salvage.  The only trophy I’m missing from The Taken King DLC is Long Live the King – Complete the King’s Fall Raid (Heroic).

In other news, as Year Two is coming to a close, we’ve been working on the Year Two Moments of Triumph.  I called one of them as soon as I learned of their existence in the game – those damned Calcified Fragments.  I knew they were going to be one just because of the amount of time and complexity involved.  At the time of this writing, the only ones I’m missing from the total of 50 are the 3 from each of the challenges in King’s Fall – The Warpriest, Golgoroth and Oryx himself.  Considering that (at the time of this writing) there’s about 3 weeks to go until Rise of Iron and there’s only one challenge available per week, it’s not likely that I’ll claim that challenge as complete unless I manage to get really, really lucky.  The only challenge that I am trying to actively get is a completion for King’s Fall Hard Mode so I can get the Shader.

Edit:  so while writing this post, we managed to get a group together since we had a checkpoint at Oryx, thanks to the web site and app the100.io (https://www.the100.io/community).  So now I have that Calcified Fragment!

There’s a guy on my PSN friends list – dirtchamber10 – his name is Dan.  Dan is very eager to get all the Year Two Moments of Triumph, especially the completion of King’s Fall Hard Mode.  His conviction is admirable to the point of being annoying.  I’m convinced that he’ll get the clear before we (we being the guys from New Zealand and myself) will.  Now that Phil and Stark have completed King’s Fall on normal mode, they have a bit more confidence about trying to run it more often and trying to get a hard mode clear themselves.

As far as I’m concerned, clearing King’s Fall on hard will be my crowning achievement in Year Two and it will be the last Year Two Moment of Triumph I’m actively seeking.  If I get all 50 Calcified Fragments then I get them, if not then I won’t lose any sleep over it.

Hopefully this new found interest by the others wanting to do King’s Fall more often won’t interfere too much with my play time with Deus Ex:  Mankind Divided.

Life and Death, part 3

“What is it like to lose someone you love?” he asked.

The Oracle replied:

“It is a long process.  First, your insides are replaced by burning rags wrapped in barbed wire.  As the realization reaches you that your loved one will not return, the whole burning mass begins to burn hotter and rotate inside you, ripping your soul to pieces.

As time passes, as MUCH time passes, the burning shredder spins more slowly and the fire dies down a bit.  Often, you will hear a sound or a word that reminds you of the departed, and the mass spins faster and burns hotter.  Eventually, when there is so much of you ripped away, that the pain becomes familiar, you actually got for MINUTES at a time without feeling it.

Finally, after many years, the rags burn away, and the barbed wire burns away, and you discover what was at the core of it.  A bright, glittering giant diamond made of light.  Dazzling and beautiful.”

“What is that?”

“It is the love you always had for who you will not see again.  It was smoldering at the core the whole time.  It still burns, and spins and hurts terribly, but you would never choose to part with it even if you could.”

“I do not wish to suffer this.” he said.

“Neither did I.” said the Oracle.

m pinheiro – 2002

What I’m Listening To, part 6


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


ABBA – The Day Before You Came

Must have left my house at eight, because I always do
My train, I’m certain, left the station just when it was due
I must have read the morning paper going into town
And having gotten through the editorial, no doubt I must have frowned
I must have made my desk around a quarter after nine
With letters to be read, and heaps of papers waiting to be signed
I must have gone to lunch at half past twelve or so
The usual place, the usual bunch
And still on top of this I’m pretty sure it must have rained
The day before you came


Everything was normal in my life before you arrived.  Then it was turned upside down.


I must have lit my seventh cigarette at half past two
And at the time I never even noticed I was blue


I guess I didn’t really notice that I wasn’t happy until you came along.  That I didn’t notice that something was missing.  But I’m still not sure if I should be happy that you came into my life or not.


I must have kept on dragging through the business of the day
Without really knowing anything, I hid a part of me away
At five I must have left, there’s no exception to the rule
A matter of routine, I’ve done it ever since I finished school
The train back home again
Undoubtedly I must have read the evening paper then
Oh yes, I’m sure my life was well within it’s usual frame
The day before you came

Must have opened my front door at eight o’clock or so
And stopped along the way to buy some Chinese food to go
I’m sure I had my dinner watching something on TV
There’s not, I think, a single episode of Dallas that I didn’t see
I must have gone to bed around a quarter after ten
I need a lot of sleep, and so I like to be in bed by then
I must have read a while
The latest one by Marilyn French or something in that style
It’s funny, but I had no sense of living without aim
The day before you came

And turning out the light
I must have yawned and cuddled up for yet another night
And rattling on the roof I must have heard the sound of rain
The day before you came


Purpose.  You bring purpose to my life, and without you, what reason is there to continue living?  To go back to this bland and boring and meaningless life?  To live a life without love?  Why should I bother?  What if I don’t want to?


 

GRATITUDE


This is a post from a Facebook friend that really hit close to home.  Maybe someday I’ll know the gratitude of which he speaks.


GRATITUDE

It has been almost 6 months now since John and I went our separate ways. It has been the longest 6 months of my life. And, in many ways, some of the greatest growth I have ever experienced has occurred over these 6 months. Most importantly, I have learned gratitude. More on that later.

But I digress. Some history. I thought I had been in love before. I realize, now, until I met John, I had never truly been in love. It was a fast and furious love. I am sure the kind that made others scratch their heads and say slow down. It was the love I always wanted. All consuming. The kind that starts out with furious text messaging, then moves on to picture and video messaging. And then the phone calls. The first Facetime conversation. The first cross country trip to meet in person. And several months later moving in together. One person totally uprooting their life for another. That was the love. And it was intense.

We were met with several obstacles along the way. We were not deterred. Not able to spend nights together initially, John suggested we use Dropbox and watch movies together via factime. We were creative. My mailbox filled with hand written letters from thousands of miles away. Hand written? Who does that any more? Time seemed precious for many reasons. John has a stage 2 glioma brain tumor. It is still in remission thanks to years of chemo but he knows its there and the constant reminder of a daily regime of pills to thrwart off seizures makes sure he never forgets.

It was a love unlike anything I had experienced. We filled our walls of Facebook with beaming smiles and pictures of all the places we travelled. For a short time all seemed right in the world and nothing bad could happen to us.

But the novelty of something new often masks things and I had failed to notice John was homesick. He had left his entire family, friends, and job to start over with me. Perhaps I didn’t try hard enough to help him adjust. Perhaps I tried too hard. I am not sure either of us will ever know.

In February, John decided he wanted to move back home and I was not to come. It was painful news to hear. My world screeched to a halt. His world screeched to a halt. I was angry. Very angry. I had done so much for him. How could he do this to me? When we are angry we tend to think more about our sacrifices in a singular sense than the sacrifices of the couple together. Over the next few weeks many tears were shed. We cuddled. We made cutting remarks. In the end, he still left. I will never forget that Saturday morning. We hugged and kissed goodbye and I watched him leave. It was like sending a child off to college except he wasn’t coming home. I cried. I screamed. I wanted to smash things. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to die.

The outpouring of care and love I received from my family, friends and co-workers was incredible. Seeming strangers came out of nowhere and shared secrets and stories of their losses. It seemed everyone wanted to help. I was humbled.

I often wonder if I am a good friend to people. A good neighbor. A good son. A good employee. I only hope I have been a hundredth as supportive as so many were to me.

A young pup I had chatted with many years prior on Scruff reached out to me and shared a blog he had written about his breakup. It was raw. It was hard to read. It was painful. It was me. In this blog titled “My breakup, My body, Everything Hurts,” Alexander Cheves (https://www.facebook.com/beastlypup) discusses a book, or rather a series of short stories or musings, entitled Gratitude written by Oliver Sacks during the last months of his life as he was preparing to leave this earth due to the terminal cancer that was rapidly shutting down his body. I purchased the book on Amazon. It sat on my nightstand forever. I vowed to read it on my vacation in Fort Lauderdale. I did. It was powerful and I read it in one sitting.

Gratitude is what happens when we have accepted our fate, our lot, our situation, and we are not angry but rather thankful for all the good that has happened. Whether we are faced with our own immortality, the loss of a spouse, child, pet or other loved one, gratitude comes at the tail end of the healing process.

Gratitude is the feeling I have for originally speaking to this insightful young man who came into my life for reasons not yet fully known. For he shared a story with me with which I can relate. Gratitude is my friends and family who listened to me go on and on about my loss. Gratitude is for coming out at work to my boss and it not being a total disaster. Gratitude is knowing so many people cared about me. I never realized how many friends I had until John left. Gratitude is the world bringing me John to begin with. For he had a curiousity about the world that was unmatched by anyone I have ever met. He taught me to appreciate nature, to comb the beach for shells, to take the path less travelled in the woods, to take chances. Gratitude is knowing that John is getting back on his feet and is doing well. Gratitude is everyone that has come into my life the last 6 months. I have learned to judge less, love more, and open my heart to new experiences.

A new friend asked me this morning if I was ready to date again. I didn’t know how to answer him at first. I don’t think we ever know when the time is right. But I do know that I wish to once again love so intensely it seems foolish. I miss the “second set of eyes” (quoting Alex) that helped me see the world around me. I miss the warmth of someone next to me in bed. I miss my best friend. Am I ready to experience that again? I am. I hope I do. And I hope I can be a wonderful partner to someone some day. I forgot who sent this to me but I love it:

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
–Maya Angelo

I hope that someday soon I will post new travel pictures that John will be a part of as my friend and for that I will have the most gratitude.

What I’m Listening To, part 5


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


D. Lorean – Hardwired (Radio Edit)

Fate has called my name
Too late to start the game
But the price to pay
Is much too high now I see

We’re partners in crime
I’m a slave I pay no mind
My sin is my pride
Submit to you and then I bleed

‘Cause I’m
Hardwired to hold you, I can’t let you go
Hardwired to take you, deep into my soul
Hardwired to touch you, and crave your kiss
Hardwired to love you, what ever that is
Hardwired to give you, all that I have
Hardwired to live as, your weaker half
Hardwired to cry if, it makes you feel good
Hardwired to die, you just ask and I would

Sight has robbed me blind
Can no longer read the sings
Or figure out if I’m
The one you despise or adore

‘Cause I’m
Hardwired to hold you, I can’t let you go
Hardwired to take you, deep into my soul
Hardwired to touch you, and crave your kiss
Hardwired to love you, what ever that is
Hardwired to give you, all that I have
Hardwired to live as, your weaker half
Hardwired to cry if, it makes you feel good
Hardwired to die, you just ask and I would

So I cry the tears of a clone
‘Cause I fear a life alone
And I think it’s for the best
To play my cards close to my chest
‘Cause I’ve seen the other side
And there’s nothing there I like
Guess the only way to survive
Is self defeat and self denial


All of it.  Just all of it 😥


 

What I’m Listening To, part 4


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


P!nk – Try

Ever wonder about what he’s doing?


I wonder what he’s doing all the time, but it rarely does me any good to ask him.  I get an answer half the times I ask.


How it all turned to lies?
Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why


Or better to just not ask at all.


Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try


I’ve been burned more times than I can count.  Too many torches carried I suppose.  None of them hurt any less than the last one either.  If anything, the burn hurts more as I get older and my time runs out.


Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it’s not right


Falling in love when it’s not right is something I’ve done too many times too.  So foolish I’ve been.  But why is it so easy!?!?!


Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?


Pretty sure I’ve just been getting by for a long long time now and I just didn’t notice.  Not until Marshal came into my life and somewhat derailed it.


Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try


But in the end, she’s right.  I’ve got to get up and keep trying or else I’ll never find anyone.