Life and Death, part 2

The last couple of months have been rough to say the least.  I’ve been working almost every single day because of god damn bun season at work.  I thought once the 4th of July was over things would slow down at work.  Nope.  The following week we had to work on an off day so I decided I’d had enough and wrote a rather bitchy letter and left it in the suggestion box at work.  Honestly I don’t care if anyone got upset by it or not, I’m tired of doing nothing beyond merely existing at this point.  I think the plant manager either found the letter and read it or if she didn’t it was quite the coincidence considering the context of the conversation we had a few minutes after I left the letter in the box.  I think I got my point across though since everyone’s schedule was changed the following week to give them 3 days off a week.  So there’s that.  At least I don’t have to deal with the bun line for the next 2 weeks.

I dunno, I guess I’m just supposed to act like things aren’t fucking killing me.  Anymore I hate my life and I hate waking up day to day to be forced to live it.  All this blasted overtime has had me thinking more about up and leaving or just killing myself more than at any other time in my life.  I’m so tired of keeping these walls up and keeping people out.  I mean, what’s the point of this day to day rat race?  I don’t have anyone special in my life to share any of it with and my online friends can only provide so much comfort.  And my real life friends all mostly keep to themselves anymore.  No one ever visits me except William and Glenn and that’s only if I’m not wasting my free time at work.  This has led me to think about getting rid of the kitchen table and the chairs that Whitney took the time to try to find.  What’s the point of keeping it?  I never eat in the kitchen anyway and the few times that I do it’s pretty lonely sitting there alone.  At least if I get rid of all that shit the floor will be clear for whoever decides to fix it.  I’ve also thought about putting in storage but, I dunno, might just be easier to just get rid of it.

While we’re on the subject of fixing houses…so mine’s been in need of repairs for (according to Whitney) 3 years.  I’ve had a broken window pane since 2008, my kitchen floor is sinking in and now my bathroom and front room floors are in need of repairs as well.  But, William and Dominique get their first house and what do mom and dad do?  Go work on it immediately.  Wow, nice.  Thanks so called family for making me feel like a valuable and loved member.  It’s very telling about where I stand on your list of priorities when you do something like that, especially since I’m paying you to live here and they aren’t.  But, whatever.  I guess at this point in my life I’m so used to being treated like shit by others that supposedly care about me is why it didn’t really faze me that you did that at first.  But the more I think about it the angrier I get.  I guess if Matt’s brother isn’t able to help in any way then I’m just going to give up and wait for the house to cave in on itself since it’s apparent that no one is going to do anything about it.  Treated like a second class citizen no matter what, eh?

Marshal flew to the UK on Wednesday (7/20).  He’ll be there for 3 weeks seeing his possible future husband (or whatever they want to call it).  Talk about just letting stuff kill you.  I am mentally preparing myself for the idea that when he gets back I won’t be anything to him at all.  Sometimes I just think I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him on any level.  I should’ve just left things alone.  But I’m a sucker for a pretty face.  I guess what I wrote about him in my LiveJournal was right.  He’s been more affectionate lately than he was before I confronted him about the post in Bears and Video Games.  He’s been telling me that he loves me and wants to be my best friend and I’ve been responding in kind, though I think when I tell him I love him I mean it more than he does but I can’t tell.  I’m not a mind reader.  All I know is this whole thing with him is going to kill me or destroy me completely.  He messaged me a few pics this morning and all I told him was that they looked amazing and I was going to bed.  Maybe I should just learn to be lonely.

And speaking of loneliness, Jason hasn’t been in the best of health lately.  They finally got moved into the new place, but during the move he had another gout flare up and wasn’t able to help.  A day or so after, he messaged me a picture of the jug he’d been using to pee in and his pee was BLACK.  When I asked him how long it had been like that he said a day or so, and then I asked if he was going to go to the doctor or hospital.  He went and turns out he had a UTI and severe dehydration.  I don’t know how long he’s going to last.  His health has been in decline for years and has begun to get worse since Ivey died.  When I try to think of life without him, all I can feel is emptiness? nothingness? I can’t picture it at all.  I just shut down.  I don’t feel anything at all.  I’m trying to (again) mentally prepare myself for the reality that he might die young like Candice and Ivey.  I just don’t know what I’ll do or how I will continue from that.  It will be like the breaking of the world, the end of everything.

Which brings me to why I chose the Dollhouse logo for the cover of this post.  I’ve been re-watching the show lately.  I still think it’s criminally underrated, but then again I’ve loved everything Joss Whedon has done (even if I don’t love all his actors).  I envy the people inside the Dollhouse, being able to wipe away everything and just be…nothing.  A blank slate.  Tabula rasa.  If only there was a way.  I think I’d like to start over with new memories and definitely forget some of the things I’ve had to endure in my life.

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