Life and Death, part 2

The last couple of months have been rough to say the least.  I’ve been working almost every single day because of god damn bun season at work.  I thought once the 4th of July was over things would slow down at work.  Nope.  The following week we had to work on an off day so I decided I’d had enough and wrote a rather bitchy letter and left it in the suggestion box at work.  Honestly I don’t care if anyone got upset by it or not, I’m tired of doing nothing beyond merely existing at this point.  I think the plant manager either found the letter and read it or if she didn’t it was quite the coincidence considering the context of the conversation we had a few minutes after I left the letter in the box.  I think I got my point across though since everyone’s schedule was changed the following week to give them 3 days off a week.  So there’s that.  At least I don’t have to deal with the bun line for the next 2 weeks.

I dunno, I guess I’m just supposed to act like things aren’t fucking killing me.  Anymore I hate my life and I hate waking up day to day to be forced to live it.  All this blasted overtime has had me thinking more about up and leaving or just killing myself more than at any other time in my life.  I’m so tired of keeping these walls up and keeping people out.  I mean, what’s the point of this day to day rat race?  I don’t have anyone special in my life to share any of it with and my online friends can only provide so much comfort.  And my real life friends all mostly keep to themselves anymore.  No one ever visits me except William and Glenn and that’s only if I’m not wasting my free time at work.  This has led me to think about getting rid of the kitchen table and the chairs that Whitney took the time to try to find.  What’s the point of keeping it?  I never eat in the kitchen anyway and the few times that I do it’s pretty lonely sitting there alone.  At least if I get rid of all that shit the floor will be clear for whoever decides to fix it.  I’ve also thought about putting in storage but, I dunno, might just be easier to just get rid of it.

While we’re on the subject of fixing houses…so mine’s been in need of repairs for (according to Whitney) 3 years.  I’ve had a broken window pane since 2008, my kitchen floor is sinking in and now my bathroom and front room floors are in need of repairs as well.  But, William and Dominique get their first house and what do mom and dad do?  Go work on it immediately.  Wow, nice.  Thanks so called family for making me feel like a valuable and loved member.  It’s very telling about where I stand on your list of priorities when you do something like that, especially since I’m paying you to live here and they aren’t.  But, whatever.  I guess at this point in my life I’m so used to being treated like shit by others that supposedly care about me is why it didn’t really faze me that you did that at first.  But the more I think about it the angrier I get.  I guess if Matt’s brother isn’t able to help in any way then I’m just going to give up and wait for the house to cave in on itself since it’s apparent that no one is going to do anything about it.  Treated like a second class citizen no matter what, eh?

Marshal flew to the UK on Wednesday (7/20).  He’ll be there for 3 weeks seeing his possible future husband (or whatever they want to call it).  Talk about just letting stuff kill you.  I am mentally preparing myself for the idea that when he gets back I won’t be anything to him at all.  Sometimes I just think I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him on any level.  I should’ve just left things alone.  But I’m a sucker for a pretty face.  I guess what I wrote about him in my LiveJournal was right.  He’s been more affectionate lately than he was before I confronted him about the post in Bears and Video Games.  He’s been telling me that he loves me and wants to be my best friend and I’ve been responding in kind, though I think when I tell him I love him I mean it more than he does but I can’t tell.  I’m not a mind reader.  All I know is this whole thing with him is going to kill me or destroy me completely.  He messaged me a few pics this morning and all I told him was that they looked amazing and I was going to bed.  Maybe I should just learn to be lonely.

And speaking of loneliness, Jason hasn’t been in the best of health lately.  They finally got moved into the new place, but during the move he had another gout flare up and wasn’t able to help.  A day or so after, he messaged me a picture of the jug he’d been using to pee in and his pee was BLACK.  When I asked him how long it had been like that he said a day or so, and then I asked if he was going to go to the doctor or hospital.  He went and turns out he had a UTI and severe dehydration.  I don’t know how long he’s going to last.  His health has been in decline for years and has begun to get worse since Ivey died.  When I try to think of life without him, all I can feel is emptiness? nothingness? I can’t picture it at all.  I just shut down.  I don’t feel anything at all.  I’m trying to (again) mentally prepare myself for the reality that he might die young like Candice and Ivey.  I just don’t know what I’ll do or how I will continue from that.  It will be like the breaking of the world, the end of everything.

Which brings me to why I chose the Dollhouse logo for the cover of this post.  I’ve been re-watching the show lately.  I still think it’s criminally underrated, but then again I’ve loved everything Joss Whedon has done (even if I don’t love all his actors).  I envy the people inside the Dollhouse, being able to wipe away everything and just be…nothing.  A blank slate.  Tabula rasa.  If only there was a way.  I think I’d like to start over with new memories and definitely forget some of the things I’ve had to endure in my life.

What I’m Playing, part 2

Star Ocean:  Integrity and Faithlessness has, so far, been worth the wait and definitely fun.  This is the first Star Ocean game I’ve played for any length of time since 1 and 2 were resurrected for the PSP.  I own Til The End of Time and Last Hope International, but alas, I’ve never played either of them.

*SPOILER ALERT*

The story is set on a planet where there are 2 nations at war with each other and one of them is beating the other quite soundly because of an unfair technological advantage given to them from people from another planet.  The Federation (the good guys?) is trying to stop rival group Kronos from interfering with the goings on between these nations without too much interference on their part (think of the Prime Directive from Star Trek).  Caught up in this struggle is the main hero, Fidel, and his friend Mikki.  Invaders from the enemy nation of Traikur attacked their small town which set off a chain of events that has kept me coming back for more during my free time (what little of it I’ve had lately).

I was surprised when Emmerson and Anne both joined the group, but loved how they were kinda hush hush about the fact that they weren’t from this planet even though you could tell that something was off about them.  I also thought it was a little strange that people from this planet didn’t have an over the top reaction when faced with the idea that they were in a star ship, but I guess there’s only so much plot you can cram into the game.  Either way I’m enjoying the off the wall story and I can’t wait to see where things are going to go from where I am now.

The trophy list is going to be a pain in the ass from what I’ve read of it so far, for quite a few of them are going to require a lot of grinding.  My other gripe about the game is that, the point where I am at the moment, there isn’t any fast travel what so ever and the side quests require a lot of back tracking which is supremely annoying.

Is platinum / 100% attainable? Yes, with a LOT of work
% or trophies / achievements at the time of writing according to PSN: 13%

Summer 2016

Good god, it’s been a while.  I don’t even know where to start, so I guess I’ll just write as thoughts come to me.

I’ve been working my ass off since June 11th.  I’ve had about 3 days off since then, counting today.

We finally switched over to computerized inventory tracking at work last month.  I took to it quickly, some of the others…not so much.  It really started to piss me off that others were coming to me for help while the people who were training us to use the system were still there.  It’s what they were getting paid to do, so why not ask them?

One of our coworkers, Gerald Davis, quit and walked out this past Thursday night after working there for 40+ years.  I’m still trying to figure out why and what happened.

That damn post from Bears and Video Games where Marshal (a.k.a. Potential #2) commented that he was dating a game developer finally got to me and I confronted him about it.  I wish I had just kept my mouth shut.  Turns out that he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone at all, just holding out hope for a lost love with someone he knows.  I know how that stings and I could tell during the conversation that I upset him.  We’re still talking, though to me it just doesn’t feel the same anymore.  He still tells me that he loves me and I tell him the same, but I’m wondering where it’s going.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see him again, but I’m holding out hope that I do.

Speaking of dating, Potential #1, Gerry, bought a house in Winnipeg finally.  It’s a nice one too and I’m glad he likes it and found one that he likes.  If he’s still planning on moving here in the future, I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a financial nightmare for him.  I’d still love to have him in my life as my husband, still holding out hope for it, but at the same time trying not to rush things and not be pushy.  I’m still not sure he likes me as much as I like him or if he’s just afraid of getting hurt again like I am.  Sometime or other I’m just going to have to have an uncomfortable talk with him and see where things are.

Mirror’s Edge Catalyst, Mighty No. 9 and Star Ocean:  Integrity and Faithlessness all came out since my last post and E3 happened too.  There were a few games at E3 that I’m looking forward to, so there’s plenty of gaming in my future.  Mirror’s Edge and Star Ocean have been good to me so far, but I do have to admit that Mighty No. 9 was a disappointment and I ended up deleting it after a couple days because it’s just too damn difficult and after the Bloodborne disaster I just don’t feel like being put through that kind of shit again.

Speaking of Bloodborne, Alex and I haven’t had a chat on PSN since that day he pissed me off over it.  Wakes me up with messages and invites to go play the game and when I finally do wake up, he’s gotten the last few trophies for the game to get the platinum and deletes it from his PS4 while we’re talking.  I think he could tell that it made me angry, so he’s steered clear since then.  I’ve decided not to play anything else with him if things are going to turn out like that.  Buying The Old Hunters DLC was a definite waste of $20.  I guess I’m just a fool for thinking that other people are going to be as helpful and nice as me when it comes to trophy farming and gaming.

Some asshole killed 50 people in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida.  That was all over the internet for about a week.  Out of all of them that were killed, the one that kills me the most is Mrs. McCool.  She was the mother of 11 children and beat cancer twice, only to be shot to death.  What the fuck?  The anti-gay backlash since the shooting and the endless rants about guns on Facebook has seriously started to wear me down.  All we want is to be left alone in peace and quiet to live our lives, but I fear it’s never going to happen.  It’s that same fear for life and living that fills me every time I think about Gerry coming to live here.  As much as it kills me to think it, he’s better off staying in Canada.  Maybe he will take mercy and let me come live with him should the presidential election here in November go south.

Jason has been going to therapy over everything that’s happened to him.  I’m glad he’s doing it and taking steps toward getting better.  I’d been living in fear that he might be next, and sometimes I still worry, but I’m slowly easing off that line of thinking.  I’m glad he’s leaning toward not listening to those wretched females that we call “friends” when they make suggestions about what he should do, and thinking for himself.  He’s been talking to someone new, so maybe in the future they will end up together and be happy.  I would like that for him, to be happy again.  I would like that for me as well, but, all in due time.