Relationships, part 7

Dear M,

It’s 6 o’clock Sunday morning.  I can’t sleep.  You said you were going back to school today, so there’s that.  I haven’t been able to sleep worth a shit since the day you left.  I knew it would happen.  It always does.

I kinda feel like, now that you’ve met me, I’m not as interesting or desirable as I was before we met.  You’ve become much less affectionate when we talk now.  And trying to get you to talk to me at all is like pulling teeth.  I understand that you’re a busy guy and you have your own life with school and work going on at the same time, but what about me?  Even when I’m busy with work, I make time to answer messages.  I guess I’m just a disappointment after all.

Words are meaningless, and forgettable.

The few hours that I got to meet you were wonderful.  If you knew that, the day before you came was the first day that I’d bothered to do any exercises at home in two weeks, you’d be so disappointed.  Here it is over a week later and I still haven’t bothered to lift one weight.  Andy wants to try to help motivate me to get back on it, but I keep avoiding him.  My lower back and legs are killing me after the week I’ve had and I don’t want to do anything anyway.

I put the PS3 away after I got home from work tonight.  I want to finish Final Fantasy XIII, I really do, but I just can’t be bothered right now.

Every time I go in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, your box of Chai tea sits there next to my machine, staring at me.  I’m so messed up right now, I don’t even remember why I started writing this damn letter.  I don’t want it to be a goodbye letter, but that’s kinda what it feels like.  Not that I’ll ever give it to you to read or post it anywhere for you to see, so there’s that.

When you were here and talking about your plans for the future, about wanting to go off and fix the environment and save the world, I was both proud of you and upset.  Upset because it didn’t sound like there was anywhere for me in your plans; anywhere for us.  I was proud because you genuinely seem to want to fix things as I do, I just don’t have the knowledge or skills that you have.  Ultimately, I guess I’m just a speed bump on your path, and maybe we’re better off without each other interfering in our lives.  I dunno.  There was a time I thought you’d be the one to kick my ass into shape, but now I’m not so sure of that at all.  You’ve definitely kicked my ass, just emotionally.

Enjoy the silence.

I really wish, the morning of the last day you were here, you had said you didn’t like what I was doing to you sexually.  I prefer it when sex partners are vocal about what they want and what they don’t like.  At least when I offered to fuck you, you were upfront about not being ready for me to do that to you, though I do find the thought of you being my “sloppy bottom bitch” appealing.  I guess it’s just one of those things that’s not meant to be.