Long Live The King, part 5

Destiny, part 6

Your only existence shall be that which I weave for you out of sorrow and woe.

Yesterday was definitely a moment of triumph for me in Destiny even if it’s not listed among the moments that Bungie has concocted.  Last year when the existence of Black Spindle was discovered, my circle of fellow Destiny players would wait for the days when Lost to Light was the Daily Heroic.  Once it arrived, we would spend hours punishing ourselves by trying the mission again and again and again and again until we met with success.  It was through a LOT of trial, error and tears that we discovered every single thing about the mission:

  • You cannot have a party wipe on the way to the door leading to Taniks’ ship.  If you do, you have to start the mission over.
  • If someone dies during the initial run from the room where Crota’s Soul was held, they will be rezzed once you reach the first room with the locked door.
  • The countdown for clearing out the ship doesn’t start until you enter the first room in the ship that’s infested with Taken.

Following these rules, we would try over and over until we were met with victory and a shiny new Light Level 310 Exotic sniper rifle.  I, however, was not among those skilled or fortunate enough to complete the mission upon it’s initial discovery and ultimately was one of the reasons for my departure from the game for a few months (besides having done every other thing in the game and finally getting my hands on Fallout 4).  Until yesterday.

Upon waking up and logging in, I looked at the Director to see what today’s fresh hell awaited me for the Daily Heroic.  Lost to Light!  I began to salivate at the thought of facing the ship full of Taken, which quickly gave way to panic and a knot of rage in the pit of my stomach.  Fuck it I thought, I’m not going to bother to try that shit ever again.  You’re why I left the game for a few months.  Well, part of why anyway.  I decided to post it to Facebook that today was your day to try to get the gun if you felt squirrely, then I went about completing my daily bounties to try to level up the Taken armor that I had finally acquired a full set of for my main Warlock.  While playing, one of my fellow Destiny players messaged me and asked if I wanted help to try to get the gun.  If anyone had been in the room with me to see the expression on my face, they wouldn’t have asked a second time.  I let out a loud, disgusted sigh and continued with my bounties, ignoring the message.  I thought about running that dreadful mission in my mind and whether or not this would be the time that I would be met with success or if I would be adding another tally mark in the ‘Failure’ column.  ‘Why the fuck am I even thinking of trying?’  I thought to myself.  ‘It’s not like I’m going to make it.  I suck way too hard at this game, I won’t succeed this time.  I’m a fool for even thinking that I might.’  

After several long minutes I finally replied to his message:  ‘Yeah we can try in a few minutes.’  I finished the bounties I was working on, peed, made another cup of coffee and prepared myself for another failed attempt.  ‘Send me a party invite when you’re ready’ and then I sat there and waited.  After a few minutes, I got the invite and found that the party chat was already full of others eager to try to get the gun.  Holy crap I thought to myself.  Two of my fellow gamers had decided to take it upon themselves to take those of us who didn’t have the gun through the mission, one at a time, to try to increase our chances of success.  Upon hearing this, a small spark of hope lit within my gut.  Maybe, just maybe, today is gonna be the day!  I was to be 2nd in line to run the mission, so I sat quietly and listened to party chat and continued to finish my bounties and mull over the events of the discovery from the day before.  Worthless piece of shit, I thought to myself, over and over.  Suddenly, as the first person and the two who were going to shepherd everyone neared the end of the mission, one of the shepherds decided that he’d been playing the game long enough that day and just logged off.  Well what in the actual fuck? I thought, and the spark of hope was summarily extinguished.  Well, it was a good idea while it lasted.  I resigned myself to the idea that nothing of any import was going to get done in game today and just continued silently stewing while working on bounties.

“Wraith, you wanna jump in with us and try to get the gun?”  My heart skipped a beat and my mouth went completely dry.  Filled with hopelessness, I let out a sigh and replied “Yeah.”  You’re going to fail kept running over and over in my mind as I joined the others.  We separated ourselves into a different party chat so as not to be interrupted or distracted by the others.  Hopefully they don’t think ill of us for leaving, but, it is what it is.  Like riding a bike, we start the mission and get all the way through to the last room of the ship, and, just like I figured, we failed.  I put my controller down on the coffee table and was ready to give up then and there.  “Let’s try again” he said as we started the mission over.  After a bit of equipment change (switching exotic swords for the Dragon’s Breath rocket launchers) we went at it a 2nd time.  Fighting our way through to the final room of the ship, this time we managed to get there with one more minute than we had the first attempt.  I felt slightly hopeful upon seeing that, but still feared the worst.  Not paying attention to the others actions, and trying to focus on adds and not dying, I think I did a good job.  I used my super to keep the adds to a minimum and set the boss on fire with a few well placed Dragon’s Breath rounds.  Time ticked away as we whittled away at the adds and the boss’s health.  Less than a minute was left and I could feel the sweat forming on my hands.  Suddenly, at 20 seconds left on the timer, the icon for Black Spindle appeared on the right side of my screen.  A string of expletives erupted from my lips over the party chat which were met with much laughter.  We had finally done it!  Black Spindle was mine at last.  I sat back in my chair and relaxed and let out another sigh.  This moment was proof that sometimes I just really need to ignore that deafening voice of doubt in the back of my mind and just fucking do the thing!

I was happy that I finally had the rifle, but somewhat disappointed that it was Light Level 280, not 310.  Eh, I’ll just infuse it until it’s a higher level no matter how long it takes.

So what was different this time?  What helped me to succeed?  Well:

  • Knowledgeable co-op partners that knew what to do once we got to the final room.
  • King’s Fall Raid weapons that give damage bonuses against the Taken.
  • Dragon’s Breath rocket launcher.
  • Slightly higher Light Level.  Back when this gun was discovered, I think the Light Level cap was 300/310 (?) and currently it is 335.  My character that I ran the mission with is 320 at the moment.

All I can say in closing is thank the gods that I never have to try to get that gun for myself ever again.  I will, however, help others try to get it if they want to put themselves through that kind of hell (just like the exotic sword quests).

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Still kind of a mix of emotions this morning.  I at least accomplished getting Black Spindle in Destiny yesterday, so there’s that.  I haven’t bothered to talk to Potential #2 since I saw that comment.  I guess I’m trying to steel myself for the point when I decide it’s time to cut him out or off or whatever way of saying it suits you.

Relationships, part 9

So I guess Potential #2 isn’t a potential partner anymore.

Got a call from work yesterday saying that I didn’t have to be in until 2:30am Monday, so I decided to sleep a little longer.  When I finally did wake up around midnight I picked up my phone and started scrolling down my Facebook timeline, as I usually do, only to come across a post from the group that I admin for where someone asked ‘how many of you date other gamers?’ and in the responses was Potential #2 saying that he’s dating a game developer.  After getting punched in the emotional bread basket, I just laid there for a minute staring at my phone.  My misery concealed in the darkness of my bedroom while my alarm clock is skwaking at me to get up and join the world of the living.

I mean, what the fuck?  Couldn’t he have bothered to tell me about this?  And it hurts all the more after yesterday’s conversation where I told him what I’d been thinking about since he was here that day.  It felt good to finally admit to him that I was worried that I was being pushy or aggressive in bed that day and that I liked him.  He said that he liked me too and that I wasn’t being pushy at all, he enjoyed what I did.  But now, what does it all mean?  I guess nothing.  I guess I’m just not good enough but to be someone’s fuck.

I feel so worthless right now.  I feel like it was all for nothing.  I don’t even know if I can just be his friend, not right now.  I guess when he was revealing his plans for what he was going to do with his life and I didn’t sense anywhere that I fit in, I should have taken that as a hint.  I’m only here to sleep with you, and that’s it is probably a fitting statement.

What I’m Listening To, part 3


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


Fear Factory – Expiration Date

You’re blind to what’s in front of you
What do you know about the truth


What do you know about the truth?  You really don’t know anything.  The only thing that I am certain of is that I know nothing.


Devalued as soon as we’re cast
We were never made to last


If we could be made to last, would you want to?


Just bodies made and fabricated
We’re fighting towards our life extension
We’re living for expiration

Under the surface we’re not machines
Under the surface we’re living dreams


Underneath it all, we’re sill humans even if we rarely treat each other as such.  We have dreams, wants, needs, fears, hopes, aspirations…we have all these things.  Under the surface we’re all pretty complex creatures.  We just don’t treat each other as well as we should.


Death lives just one breath away


We could die at any moment.


Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever


If you could live forever, would you want to?


“It’s a shame you won’t live. But then again, who does?”


Just let that line sink in for a bit.  Does anyone really live?  Or do we just go through the motions of our day to day lives until we die?


My endless will for resolution
Echoing since my creation
I’m living for my expiration


Closure.  It’s one of those things that we crave that we don’t always get when we want or need it.


Under the surface we’re not machines
Under the surface we’re living dreams
Death lives just one breath away
Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever
Under the surface we’re not machines
Under the surface we’re living dreams
Death lives just one breath away

“It’s a shame you won’t live.  But then again, who does?  All these memories will fade in time.  Like tears in rain.  Time to die.”

What I’m Listening To, part 2


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


Roxette – It Just Happens

(Ah, woo-hoo)
(Ah, woo-hoo)
Oh, it just happens
(Ah, woo-hoo)
Oh, it just happens
(Ah, woo-hoo)

It’s a cabaret, taking over on a quiet lazy backseat day
And it’s so beautiful
Like the sunshine on your balcony
Just yesterday
Don’t underestimate
Your heart is never late
And love will always find a way


I suppose this is true.  Love feels like all these things and more and if it’s meant to be, it will find a way.  People that want to be together will find a way to be together.  They’ll find a way to make it work.


It just happens
You don’t know what’s going on
If it’s new or if it’s been there since long
If it’s right or wrong
(Ah) you fall in love
(Ah) you fall in love

You don’t have a say
Just let it slide and close your eyes and watch the passion play
Don’t underestimate
Your heart can never wait
And love will always find a way

(Ah) you fall in love
It just happens
(Ah) you fall in love
Oh, it just happens, oh yeah
(Ah) you fall in love
(Ah) it just happens, happens, oh
You fall in love

Don’t underestimate
Your heart can never wait
And love will always find a way
It just happens and you don’t know what’s going on
If it’s new or if it’s been there since long
If it’s right or wrong


Love is like that.  You don’t know if it’s right or if it’s wrong.  Is this the right one?  The right person?  Or am I just so lonely that I’m settling for the first person that’s come along in a while?  It’s easy to get confused like that.  I’ve fallen in love with the wrong person before, and it ended in complete disaster.


(Ah) you fall in love
Oh, it just happens
(Ah) you fall in love
It just happens, oh
(Ah) you fall in love
Oh, it just happens, happens
(Ah) you fall in love
(Whoa, ah) you fall in love, woo-who
(Ah) you fall in love
(Ah) you fall in love
Oh yeah, it just happens, happens, oh
(Whoa, ah) you fall in love
(Ah) you fall in love

Official music video:  Roxette – It Just Happens

Relationships, part 8


A deep conversation is all I want from you.  I want the words you are afraid to say – the lonely ones you keep hidden in between the folds of your heart.


 

You don’t give up on someone you love.


 

A big part of my life has been nothing but games and pain so if I tell you I love you, I really do, I just have a hard way of showing it.  I’ve seen the false version for so long, excuse me if it’s taking longer than you hoped.  No one ever showed me the right way.  -Horacio Jones


 

I didn’t want to fall in love or need someone.  I really didn’t want anything.  But then, you appeared and I started wanting everything.


 

I really just feel like throwing in the towel.  Potential #1 bought a house today (finally) where he lives, so, my hopes of him coming here pretty much went out the window.

I don’t think I’m good enough for Potential #2 either.  I just don’t think I’m what he’s looking for or what he wants.

I don’t know what to do at this point.  Maybe I should just go with my old plan of getting a cat or two and seeing where my life is when I hit 40.  I just don’t feel like things are going to get any better right now.

What I’m Listening To, part 1


The way these posts work is, I’m going to post the lyrics with my thoughts in between the lines like this.


Garbage – Empty

I’ve been feeling so frustrated
I’ll never be as great as I want to be


I really want to be great at something video games but I really don’t think it’s ever going to happen.


Everyone that I run into
The ones you always seem so into
What’s wrong with me?


How come you’re not as into me as you are them?  Am I just not good enough for you?  Why do I like you more than you like me?  Pisses me off so much that no matter what I do I’m just not good enough for you.


They all seem to know exactly what it is they want
They pass me, they smile as they go
So I work at staying patient
Good things come to those that wait
Or so they say


Other than a husband and a quiet life with him, I really don’t know what it is I want.  Maybe some sesame chicken?  I dunno.


I’m so empty
You’re all I’m thinking about, about
Oh oh, about, about
Oh oh oh, about, about
Oh oh oh, about, about


I feel so empty with out you.  You’re all I can think about sometimes.  Where are you love?  I wish it was here with me.  Empty empty empty.  So empty.


I get tired of trying
Ideas die on the vine


I think this blog is the first idea I’ve had in a long time that I like and that I’ve bothered to stick with.  Everything else other people have just shit all over which discouraged me from even trying or bothering to do what it was I wanted.  This blog at least gives me a voice and an outlet and people can either read it or just not bother me.


And I feel like a fake
I lie awake believing
That somehow I keep failing
I rail and I ache
At the monsters and the demons
I’ve wrestled with for eons
And I want to destroy


Sometimes the anger just wells up inside and I’m so filled with rage I really want to hit something or someone but I don’t.  I just bottle it up.  I feel sorry for the poor sod who pulls out that cork.


I’m so empty
You’re all I talk about
Oh oh oh, about
You’re all I talk about

Every day, every hour of the night
You’re all I think about
Every day, every hour of the night
You’re all I dream about
Every day, every hour of the night
You’re all I think about
You’re all I think about

I’m so empty
I’m so empty
I’m so empty
You’re all I’m thinking about
About, about, oh oh oh, about
I’m so empty


I think about you a lot.  I just wish that I could find you, or, if it’s who I think it is, I wish you were here instead of where you are.


 

Official lyric video:  Garbage – Empty (Official Lyric Video)