The last couple of days have been an emotional whirlwind.
Actually, the last three days have been an emotional whirlwind. It started Friday night at work. The day after bitching about my conversation with one of the potentials, he decides to tell me Friday night at work that he loves me. I was totally shocked when I read that message; so much emotion washed over me in waves. Excitement, joy, fear, happiness…I started to tear up a little. I’m not quite sure that he meant it in the way I took it, so I decided to cool it even though I gladly said it back to him in return. We’re planning on meeting during my next vacation week next week. I was so excited after we made the plan that I felt, and still feel, damn near invincible.
But life saw fit to pull the rug right out from under me the next morning.
My closest friend, Jason, had a partner named Ivey. Ivey collapsed at work a week ago today and was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. It seemed that everything was going to be ok, except that Ivey just never woke up. After a CAT scan, it turned out that he had some damage in his frontal lobe. By Saturday morning, the neurologist had to tell Jason that there was no hope of recovery for Ivey and keeping him on life support was futile. Everything in his brain that made Ivey who he was, was gone. That was the news I woke up to Saturday morning. I tried to go about the rest of the day in my normal fashion, but Jason was all I could think about because of the sticky situation he was in. Before being taken back for surgery, Ivey told Jason that he didn’t want his biological family involved in what was happening to him in any way. They didn’t approve of his relationship with Jason and Jason was definitely at the bottom of their list of favorite people. I can’t imagine that having to contact them to tell them that Ivey was dead was a pleasant experience. Later on in the day, he finally messaged me to ask “When does it stop?” and I asked him what he meant. “When does the pain stop?” and I told him the answer: it never does, you just get used to it. The hell he’s living through now, I’ve already been through many, many years ago when my biological parents died. I wasn’t about to be one of those people that sugar coats the truth in a lie. He’s been silent since then save for a Facebook post. Potential #2 told me to just give him some time, which is what I was going to do anyway. I know there’s nothing that I can do to make the hurt go away or make it hurt less. All I can do it wait for him to contact me.
Angelica Bell: What happens when we die?
Virginia Woolf: What happens?
Virginia Woolf: We return to the place that we came from.
Angelica Bell: I don’t remember where I came from.
Virginia Woolf: Nor do I.
To continue the emotional roller coaster, while I was out having my weekly lunch with my friends, Potential #1 messaged me on Facebook and definitely brought some sunshine to a gloomy day: he said that Canada passed a law where the Métis people were being given native status which meant he could move to the States without a green card if he wanted. Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh…….whaaaaaaaat?!?!?! Ok, from the beginning of the conversation between me and this gorgeous man I’ve dreamed about having him here and in my life and now you’re telling me that I might, for the first time in my freaking life, have the relationship I want? This sounded too good to be true, but I hope for it still. Wait…what about Potential #2? So in a matter of minutes that day, I went from the pits of despair, to the heights of ecstasy to slamming face first into a wall of sorrow at the though of having to let one of them down easy. Then after the high wore off was when the reality of the situation set in: if he did move here, would he like it? Was I the reason that he brought it up in the first place? Did he want to move here to be with me? Questions, questions, too many questions. Panic also set in due to the current social climate in my area. Bile began to rise in my throat and my blood boiled at the idea of the inbred, web footed retards in this place doing anything to hurt him. I’d kill someone if they did. I realize he’s a grown ass man, but I care about his well being and future even if it has nothing to do with me. He deserves a good life and I’d be honored if I was the one he chose to settle with. Hopefully we’ll get to talk more about it tonight. We didn’t get to Saturday night because he had to work early Sunday morning and I slept and worked all of Sunday.
Fuck, I don’t know what to do on that front. What if I meet Potential #2 next week and we really hit it off? What if Potential #1 decides to stay in Canada? What if neither of them like me? That’ll probably be my luck. Either that or I’ll have to let one of them down gently, which doesn’t sit well with me either. I’m certainly not going to convince them that we should be in a triad because I really can’t be bothered to do that. I only want one unlike some guys out there, but to each his own.